Surfing the Economic Crash -- Some Timely Advice

Surfing the Crash

-- Timely advice on making ends meet in the postmodern economic decline of the empire.

Perspectives:

Your Mom
The voice of responsibility and duty, also known as the most boring and tedious method.  Unbuttered popcorn and a Disney movie on a Friday night.

College Sophmore       
Go you!  Finally free of the disorientation of freshman life as well as mom’s rules and tater tot casserole.  Also comes without the voice of experience and so turns out to be the most expensive (if stylish) method.

Iowa Farmer                
The epitome of the tight-fisted dad.  A master of logistics and thrift, he really knows the value of a dollar; he can actually calculate the hours and minutes of work in a basket of groceries or a Big Mac.

Greek Spartan              
Really over the top; so austere, the Amish quail at the prospect of giving up so much.  On the other hand, when the negative odds are mounting, and your situation looks like two million Persians to three hundred defenders, he’s your man.  He doesn’t merely make pennies scream, he squeezes them literally to death.

Pirate Captain               
Aaaaargh!  A man of particular tastes and a sense of style, who would risk hanging to lay hands on eggs Benedict and Café Latte, he’s not about to let a little poverty strip him of his comforts.  “A little fight, a  little flight…” All in a day’s work, eh mate?

Internet:

Mom                
Buy dial-up and use free email services, “no frills.”  Keep a log of internet time to help keep usage below a half hour a day.

Sophomore        
Buy premium cable package, pay extra for the Hotmail without advertisements.  Click on all the “free” stuff and chances to win when they pop-up.  

Farmer              
Buy into the system that built the West and get ample supplies of stamps, envelopes, and paper.  That suspicious looking “www” just might translate into "666” somehow, anyway.  

Spartan            
Use the internet at work, with permission, on your own time.  

Pirate               
Equip the full boat wireless technology, then tap into an unsuspecting neighbor’s active internet.

Fashion:

Mom                
Buy what’s on sale at K-Mart; they have designer stuff now!

Sophomore        
Buy only from the trendy stores, the ones on the second level of the mall, you know, right?  The better fabric will last longer and so will prove to be cheaper in the long run.

Farmer             
Denim and flannel, my boy, and that there wool will see you through anything short of a cyclone.

Spartan            
Take all those offers for hand me downs from relatives and do-gooders at the church.  You don’t have to actually watch NASCAR to wear the shirts.  If you absolutely must shop, check out the deals at the local Goodwill.  The Salvation Army isn’t as cheap as it used to be.  

Pirate               
Hey!  Did you ever notice that the clothes worn by store mannequins don’t have magnetic security strips?  I have, mate, and I personally know two mannequins who sport clothes that are strangely familiar…

Gasoline:

Mom                
Drive the speed limit and buy gas at Costco.

Sophomore        
Turn off the air conditioner and wear sundresses!  Have male friends pump the gas; they will say “forget it” more often than you would ever think.  If you are a male sophomore, see # 1.

Farmer             
Take the side roads and carpool whenever.  Short of carpooling, pick up hitchhikers and make them pay.

Spartan            
Walking is healthy, friend!  For trips over ten miles, they make those mechanical devices with two wheels and a chain drive.

Pirate               
Keep several gas cans and a rubber hose in the trunk of your Caddie for emergencies.  When your gas gage reads low, it’s time for sharing.  Don’t inhale as you siphon, get the rubber siphon ball; being a pirate doesn’t mean  you have to risk the “Big C.”

Lawn Care:

Mom                
Lay-off the gardener, hire a nice college student.  They’ll work for almost anything, like cookies!  Observe odd/even watering schedule.  

Sophomore        
Lawncare?  Eeew!  Why do you think I live in an apartment?  I think we pay a little extra in our rent for that.

Farmer             
Lawn, what lawn?  There wasn’t a lawn in the garden of Eden, just crops that needed tending.  Get back to work.

Spartan            
It rains in your state, doesn’t it?  What’s the question?

Pirate               
You have clippers, your city has golf courses.  If you just make a couple of little nocturnal withdrawals from the municipal Green Bank, no one needs to notice, so long as you don’t get greedy with the putting greens.  How about that nice patch there between the sand trap and the water hazard?

Seasonings for Cooking:

Mom                
Buy the big container of Italian seasonings already mixed.  It’s the best deal, and all of your food can taste like your favorite.

Sophomore        
Lots of salt.  They have so many pretty colorful salt mixes from countries with places with nice beaches and exotic mountains.

Farmer             
You are free to get anything you like the looks of in your garden, the bounty of the Lord!  Why pay for what you can grow yourself?  What?  You didn’t work for it?  No planting or watering?  It is written, “He that shall not work, shall not eat.”  Get on the stick.

Spartan            
Seasoning?  That which does not make us stronger, is a waste of money, friend.

Pirate               
Just you pour a little of that what you’re drinking over the meat on the grill, it’ll be fine.  For all other dishes, a little of that herb there will do nicely.  It’s not a crime to pick what you find in the wild; that trendy neighbor of yours sure has some wild herbs there, behind the shed in the back where the sun shines all the time, and no one can see, funny thing about that. 

Dental Care:

Mom                
Brush and floss three times a day, and ask the dentist for the old style plain fillings.

Sophomore        
They say that special gum prevents cavities.

Farmer             
Vegetables, my boy.  You’ll never need a dentist; I never did trust those big city people.  Bum tooth anyway?  Well, you remember how we fixed the horse, right there in the barn, don’t you?  Hey, where are you going?

Spartan            
Go to the local dental school and sign up for the “free care by students.”

Pirate               
Hey!  There’s a bone chip in my sandwich!  Look what you did to my tooth!  I’m calling my layer!

Medical:

Mom                
Make regular payments, even when you aren’t having anything done, just to get ahead for the inevitable.

Sophomore        
If I buy a membership at the gym, I won’t really need a doctor, right?

Farmer             
See Dental (above).  Hey, where are you going?

Spartan            
Early to bed and early to rise, friend.  Maybe throw in an apple a day.

Pirate               
Interview for jobs until hired.  Go for pre-employment physical, don’t show for work.

Shoes:

Mom                
Buy quality sensible shoes in classic style so you can wear them for years.

Sophomore        
Find a flaw and demand a discount.

Farmer             
Get shoes resoled when worn, don’t buy new until absolutely necessary, like never.

Spartan            
Did you ever notice how your feet get tougher when you go barefoot?

Pirate               
Get army surplus, set a new trend, at least until you can trade with somebody in the locker room.

Underwear:

Mom                
Handwash delicates, they will last longer, and here son, take some of your father’s, he has so many pairs, he can spare some.  

Sophomore        
Buy Victoria Secrets, just On Sale

Farmer             
Buy JC Penny On Sale

Spartan            
Go Commando

Pirate

Go to holiday events at relatives' homes and use the bedrooms the change clothes instead of the bathroom.  Don't worry, they'll never miss these two in the back that look like they've never been worn ...

Guitar:

Mom                
Please come and pick up that guitar you never play

Sophomore        
Play that guitar you never play.

Farmer             
Sell that guitar you never play.

Spartan            
Learn to sing, play for money on the street.

Pirate               
Get a marker and forge a signature on that guitar you never play.  Sell it for ten times its original worth.

College Textbooks:

Mom                
Sell back the books you are done with.  Five dollars can still buy a lot.

Sophomore        
Use loan program at school bookstore; keep books away from the crazy roommate.

Farmer             
Buy used books, select “ground shipment.”  Order a year in advance to allow for shipping.

Spartan            
Form study group; buy one book for four people.  “Collaborate and Graduate.”

Pirate               
Sell used books directly to freshman at an inflated cost to cover “valuable notes” inside.

Church Offering:

Mom                
Pay your tithe, give to the missionaries, and support an orphan.

Sophomore        
Tithe?  How much is that?  Is five dollars enough?

Farmer             
I can read.  The Bible says “ten percent,” right there in my King James.  That’s the meaning of tithe, it’s ten percent.  Anything more than that will have to be earned by that smart alec, know-it-all preacher.

Spartan            
“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.”  If the Lord wants some money, let him come and take what he wants for himself; he doesn’t need your help in collecting it.

Pirate               
Proclaim your own ministry and collect your own, tax-free good-will offerings, love offerings, special offerings, etc.

Eating Out:

Mom                
What!  What!  Here, I slave in the kitchen for you, and all you want it to go out?  You hardly visit, you never call your old mother; what is this world coming to?  Is that how I raised you?

Sophomore        
You can order more food if you just skip the tip.  My friends say they do it all the time…

Farmer             
What you do, is look for where the truckers go; they always go where there are free refills.

Spartan            
Kill something, barbecue it at home.

Pirate              
a.)  Eat forty-five percent of a fine meal.  Be sure to have some wine.  Order exotic side dishes you intend to get sick on.  Make a fuss, wait in the bathroom until they forget you.
b.)  Eat same meal.  Go for the fake heart attack.  Lie motionless after the performance.  When at the hospital, assure the doctor that you merely fainted due to severe motion sickness, no problem, I’ll just be on my way now…