As a prelude to my more substantial musings on the English language variety I observed while working in a screw machine shop in Grandville, Michigan, I offer a few light tips for working in a factory, including some peculiarities of working for an Englishman on American soil. Official disclaimer: The following is the truth, infused with my own brand of humor; I hope no one is offended. If some is offended I sincerely apologize.
Rules for Factory Speech In Politically Correct Times
1. Racism in any form is punishable by immediate termination, as horsewhipping is out of fashion.
2. Sexual harassment is punishable by immediate termination. And, it’s not up to the employee to decide if he is harassing female employees or not. Best not to notice that members of the opposite sex are around. Remember, there is NO difference between men and women in the factory, no matter what you learned in school!
3. Terms for body parts are not usual language of the supervisor, much less the manager. Humorous substitutes are accepted instead. Extra points are awarded for artful witticisms. For example, instead of calling someone a “dickhead,” the employee hoping to be promoted may instead use “muttonhead.” Never mind the fact that no one in the United States eats mutton. Insults taken from “South Park” should not be used.
4. NEVER refer to your personal sexual activities while at work.
5. ALWAYS assume the wife of your boss is a shining example of virtue and sex is NEVER discussed.
6. Swearing is acceptable, but for those who wish to ever be promoted, it is limited to artful variations of those words you hear from your dad while on a fishing trip. These include shit, damn, ass (my brother points out it’s in the Bible), hell (also in the Bible), fart, and piss. As George Carlin once put it, “You can say turd, but who would want to?” Any other swearing is unacceptable and is considered the mark of the recruit. The savvy supervisor will substitute “warm” and “engaging” humor for crude or offensive references. If the supervisor can affect a drawl, it usually helps.
7. Recruits are not allowed to affect the colloquialisms of the owner. It may be assumed that supervisors will “accidentally” pick up some of the owner’s slang through close association with the owner. As factory owners rarely, if ever associate with the lower class, those of the unskilled ranks who are caught affecting the accent of the owner will be punished under the assumption that they are making a mockery of their betters.
8. Here are just a couple of notable terms which are specific to the machining industry:
a. Tit: A tiny fleck of metal left from an imprecise lathing operation.
i. Correct: “The parts you are running have a large cut-off tit.”
ii. Incorrect: “You have big tits.”
b. Tenth: A measured distance of 0.0001 inch. Not to be confused with the laymen’s “tenth,” which is 0.1 inch. The difference between the two is enough to break a $600 tool!
i. Correct: “The part is undersize by two tenths.
ii. Incorrect: “The part is undersize by two-ten thousandths of an inch.
Handy Reference to English-Lancashire Colloquialisms
Such as it is that the owner of BMC and my former boss is native to Lancashire, England, a few handy references are offered the ambitious supervisor who wishes to “brown-nose” his way to a more secure position. Remember to draw out the first syllable of any funny words such as balls, bloody, or supercilious:
ENGLISH AMERICAN PARAPHRASE
Bloody Hell! Damn it all! (times ten)
You’ve made a balls-up of it! You’ve really screwed the pooch!
Just a sniff and, Bob’s your uncle, you’re done. A slight adjustment...you’re finished
I used to know this chap… I used to know this guy…
Supercilious Haughtily arrogant
Wag Unacceptable, if obscure racial slur
Yanks Bloody Americans, (not really used)
Duck Sweetheart
Bloody Twit Nincompoop, imbecile
My eyes feel like two pee-holes in the snow. I am tired, and my eyes are dry.
Lackadaisical lazy attitude, without initiative
Eh? Pay attention, I’m talking.
Right you go. I’m done; get out.
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