You wake up with a funny feeling in your stomach which can't be explained by the need for eggs and bacon. As Christmas approaches, school will soon be out, but not before the much-anticipated Kelloggsville Elementary Christmas Party, which of course takes place on the last day before the Christmas break. During the party, you will exchange presents with the person whose name you drew the week before. You drew Tom Heintzlman's name, so that was a relief, but your name was drawn by Janice D--; with everyone watching you will have to accept, and open a gift from a girl!
It's December, in the year 1969; men have landed on the moon, Boeing has just introduced the 747, you've seen the new movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in a drive-in theater, and The Brady Bunch is a new show on television. [Carl Levin has been a Michigan Senator for a year, by now.] You are all of ten years old and girls belong to The Uncharted Territories. They are annoying in that they don't like to play army, and always walk around with the teachers during recess periods.
There are exceptions to the non-communication rule of girls. For example, you're friends with Sherry because she likes the vampire soap-opera, Dark Shadows, and you talk to Ruth Ann, because she talks to you. Ruth Ann is strangely comfortable, and mostly wears blue jeans, so you're o.k. with her. (Later that year, during The School Program, she will wear a modified high school cheerleader's outfit and do a cartwheel in a pleated skirt. This will change your life forever, but at Christmas it hasn't happened yet.)
It is also true that you and your friend, Patrick McElhenny have argued, on and off, since first grade about who will marry Elaine, but in the four years of this exchange, nothing has ever actually been said to Elaine. That would be crazy, of course, because she is a girl. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you may or may not have ever wondered how the Great Barrier is breached, how an elementary boy, who knows how to keep proper distance from the mysterious creatures, progresses to the state of actually being married to one as an adult. Conveniently, enigmas are not designed to be solved by elementary boys. You waste no time on the logical process. The argument with Patrick is largely objective, anyway; he says he will offer her a box of gold, and you say you will offer her a box of jewels, because everyone who has ever read about Aladdin knows that jewels are more valuable than mere gold. No related arguments include any images whatsoever of ridiculous things like weddings or talking with girls.
So, shopping for Tom poses no problem at all; you get him some cool spy gear, which includes a plastic camera which shoots a little plastic bullet instead of taking a picture. While shopping, mom stops to look around in the jewelry department for a few minutes. She moves the conversation into weird questions about whether or not there is "someone else" in the school you want to get a present for. This is tricky because she sometimes teases you about getting a girlfriend, and if you aren't careful, she will manipulate the gift shopping into a disaster. Left to herself, mom might buy something horribly embarrassing, maybe even something sensitive; and "For Whom?" you wonder with horror. The rules are, that you only buy a present for the person on the slip of paper. Once again, you find yourself having to carefully explain to your ignorant parent that the school rules are sacred. Just the person on the slip of paper, that's it. You look at the jewelry; it's for people who are in love. You cringe at the thought, and can already hear Tom Heintzleman laughing at you. You can hardly believe your mother half expected you to buy something for a girl, without even drawing a name.
The party is everything it is supposed to be. You are at school, but aren't learning anything at all. There is food and presents, and all of your friends are there. The teacher doesn't get mad, not even once. The girls are keeping their distance, excited as they are about something or other with their girlfriends. Then it comes time for the presents. You are preoccupied with the present you bought for Tom. When it's his turn to open a present, he likes the bullet-packing camera, but more importantly, the other boys murmur a sigh of approval; all is well. Only one negative incident occurs, when Kevin gives a necklace with a heart shaped pendant to Kelly. Oh no! What is he doing? He's giving jewelry! He's doomed, for sure. The entire company of boys is visibly shaken. He'll have to pay for this later, without a doubt.
Before you completely recover, you realize that Janice is approaching you with a wrapped present. She is actually looking at you as she approaches. She is wearing a dress. Your ears grow hot as blood rushes to your head. Nearly paralyzed, you manage at least to reach out your hands to accept the present, and tear off the wrapping. To your consternation, she remains in front of you, uncomfortably close as you open the present. Time itself slows down as you look slowly down at the box in your hands. You feel as if you are frozen into a photograph, here with Janice shamelessly looking at your face, while everyone watches. After a long moment, you recognize the gift as a model car. One of the boys says, "It's a Jaguar!" Normal time resumes; the moment is past, Janice happily returns to the company of girls without another word, and the party resumes. Something beyond your ability to articulate has occurred, some awful disaster only narrowly averted.
Within a few minutes, Kevin approaches to make one of the hundreds of swaps than are managed by elementary boys every year. Incredibly, he offers his model of the "Snapdragon," a fantasy car with a skeleton driver. You make the swap without a thought. In truth, you haven't any idea what a Jaguar is. As the party is nearing its close, everyone is directed to start cleaning up. During the course of picking up papers, you see Kevin showing the Jaguar to one of the other boys. Just past Kevin, you see Janice looking on. She lifts her eyes and looks at you as her face falls into an expression you have never seen before. It's not obvious to anyone else in the room, but it slices through you like an icy knife. Janice turns away and puts her things together, as everyone gets ready to leave. Without even thinking about it, you rush over to Kevin and bully him into swapping back. It's a fundamental rule of The Trade in elementary: Any customer may switch back, without giving reason, before the end of school. The reason is supposed to stem from second thoughts about parental reaction to a foolish trade, and has nothing to do with girls at all. It doesn't matter; you lean on Kevin without giving a reason, which you would be hard pressed to articulate anyway. He swaps back, partly because you are friends, and partly because you are bigger than he. Certain that you have healed some unseen wound, you proudly line up at the door to leave. You uncharacteristically stare at the girls, waiting for Janice to look your way. Eventually, she does, and you forget about the non-communication rule of girls. You quietly say, "Look, I traded back." Your anticipation of a positive reaction is unfulfilled. She slowly turns away without a word, her sad expression unchanged. A moment later, the bell rings, and the anxious pack of fifth-graders charges from the gate, intent on wasting no time embracing the all-important Christmas Vacation.
Forty-two Christmases later, including twenty-five happily married years, and the memories of raising three children, now all grown up and moved out, the only thing you remember about the Christmas Vacation of 1969 is how you assembled a little plastic Jaguar model and for reasons you did not understand, spent a whole month thinking about a girl who never spoke to you again.
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